Forging New Families

A wedding day is a full of traditions: the white dress, the walk down the aisle, the first dance. However, all the rituals and rules of a typical wedding can seem intimidating or irrelevant to not-so-traditional couples. When one of you already has children, it can be hard to find the proper place for them in the more conventional etiquette books. Yet, you still wish the ceremony to show that your marriage is not just a commitment to your new spouse, but their children as well. Fortunately wedding customs have begun to adapt to the different family dynamics we see today, and there are quite a few sweet ways to honor the blending of your families.

Of course the most traditional options are the positions of flower girl and ring bearer, which also seem to be the best choice for younger children. There’s no sense in making a big show of devotion and affection if it’s just going to go be over the toddler’s head. The point is to make the little nugget feel included and loved, not to prove to your guests that you'll be a five-star step-parent. Pre-teens and teenagers can also be included in the bridal party as junior bridesmaids or groomsmen.

In the case of older children however you may want to do something more personal. A recent trend gaining traction is for couples to make vows not only to each other, but to the children as well. Promises to be a loving and supportive parent and guide are standard, but what exactly is said should be genuine words of your own. The vows can be structured in a number of ways, just like marital vows. If you need help, ask your officiant as they may have a general outline or process they’ve used in the past, or check these officiant scripts from Offbeat Bride.

There are a couple of other fun things you can pair with the vows. One idea is to parallel the exchanging of rings by providing jewelry or some other trinket for the child. Try to find something they'll love today and can continue to love as they grown older. This special gift serves as a physical reminder to them of your commitment as a step-parent. In addition, the child may recite a few vows of their own. Now you may be picturing the scene from Despicable Me 2 when (spoiler alert!) precious little Agnes hops up on the table during the reception to recite a poem for her new mommy, and no doubt you’d love to have a sweet moment like that on your special day. However, this should only be done at the child’s own choosing. Pressuring kids into something they feel uncomfortable with will only lead to resentment and lots of slamming doors in the teenage years.

Unity ceremonies are another great way to express your two families becoming one, and there are a variety of different alternatives. You could adapt the unity candle tradition to include your children, or do something similar with a vase of flowers. Sand ceremonies also follow the same pattern and provide a memento that can be displayed in your home as a symbol of your new family. I personally love the idea of mimicking this ritual with a glitter ceremony, but that’s just my affinity for sparkle. Another cute option is to make a family certificate for each of you to sign or stamp your thumbprint. Like I said, there are many different options so feel free to get creative with it.

Before you settle on any of these ideas for a blended family ceremony, stop and think what the child will want. Or better yet, ask them. More introverted kids may not like having all the attention focused on them. In this situation you may want to consider something more intimate for after the wedding with just your family to let the child know you care. Another alternative is to include them in some of the wedding planning. Nothing major (you wouldn’t want a seven-year-old contacting caterers), but little things like letting your son contribute to the DJ playlist or giving your future husband’s daughter input on her flower girl dress. These are simple ways to let them know they are important to you and to the wedding.

This situation is especially delicate when the relationship is not as comfortable as you would like. A public proclamation of parental love is not the way to draw you two closer together when things are already rocky. I suggest offering the kid a smaller, yet special job and giving them the choice to say no. Make it clear the role is important and you hope they will accept, but don’t place pressure on them to comply just to please you. If there is tension in the relationship, working things out for the long term is far more important than looking like a happy family just for the wedding.

These are just some of the many ways to celebrate the joining of your families. The more personalized you make it the better, so just choose whatever feels right and will help your new family get off to a great start. Keeping communication open with the children is the most important part. As long as you keep their wishes in consideration, your ceremony is sure to be memorable and meaningful to all. And please, whatever you do, don't do something like this.

 
Originally posted here at Blue Goose Celebrations

Photo Credits: junior bridesmaid focusphotoTahoe | toddlers Simply Savannah Events | family Karen Ard Photography | sand Outer Banks | candle First Comes Love